The Search

My Weight Loss Journey

2011-08-15T15:22:00.000-07:00

I have tried the same thing many many times expecting different results, guess what, it doesn't work. So I am trying something different, I am going to document my journey to loose 10 pounds. This is my first goal. Today I was good at work, and struggled just after leaving work, so when I got home I did some exercises for 20 plus minutes, Kettle bell swings and squat lunges. I thought about it all day so I was set to do it.

I do feel better afterwards. I need to take care of my health.
So my beginning weight this morning was 197 pounds. I will log my struggles and victories here so that I can see what I am going through. I am trying something different to get different results.

Day 1.

Time is changing

2011-08-01T12:05:00.000-07:00

Today as I look over just the last year, so many things have changed in my life. As of today I can say I am truly happy with what I can see what the future holds for me. I have hope and joy with the woman I love. She is everything that I could want in a person. I find myself day dreaming of what our future would be like. I can't wait till we are living together. The days we will have to do the things we enjoy, sharing, just sitting together and soaking up the sun on the porch. Just being able to reach over and touch one another would be a great thing.
I can say I am a blessed man. I have changed since I have met her and I can see other things that are changing and will change once we get to live together. I look forward to holding her in my arms, feeling her warmth, listening to her talk. I can talk with her so openly because I feel that she does not judge me when I share with her. I feel her love and that she wants the best for me.
To me I have found my treasure. I am a lucky man.
My days ahead are a gift I will get to enjoy one day at a time.

I am smiling. :-)

What a day

2010-09-14T14:01:00.000-07:00

This day was

being a parent

2010-09-12T17:49:00.000-07:00

I look back at how I was raised and what my parents was like and I believe I can say that I did not learn very much on how to be a good parent. I am not saying I blame them for what I did not do right it is just that they were not a very good example. So I am left with what I am and my character on how to handle my children as they were growing up.
I know there are countless books out there on how to be a parent but that wasn't something I looked into. I just went with what I thought was the right thing to do. Plus add a second person with you influencing how that is done and you end up with what you have.

So I sit here today trying to figure out how to get my kids to the end of high school and on their own. I think the job of a parent will never end, and I don't want it to. But I do want my kids to succeed in life. As a parent we all hope that. Have I done a good job time will only tell. The one thing I want them to be able to say is that I tried to tell and show them what was right and wrong and that they new everyday that I loved them.

Are my kids perfect, no they are not, just like their parents. i pray that one day thay will see how the choices we make affect those around us and what tomorrow will look like.

I want more for my kids I would like to blame others for what my kids are lacking but I can't. So what do I do now with them at the age they are. I try everyday to show and tell them what I want from hem and try real hard to hold them to it.

What I know now about parenting I wish I new ten years ago but I didn't then so I press on. I will continue to believe that they will turn out OK in the end.

I know I am rambling but my kids weigh heavy on my heart, they are part of me and always will be.

I think as a parent we all want the same thing, our kids to be the best they can be in life.

Wanting

2010-08-16T12:17:00.000-07:00

I sometimes wish I was like other people, full of energy, always on top of things, checkbook balanced and with a great lookout on life. I seem to always be wanting to have the balance in my life, and when I think i get there then something always happens. I guess i am on the down right now. I do have something or should i say someone in my life that helps me stay on top. I just get sometimes not likeing where i am at. I wish i was through the things i am dealing with the things going through my life. I know I will get through it all, just some days seem tougher than others. I know others go through the same.
I am getting there. I am just having a down day. Maybe I am tired or just I am thinking too much about money and trying to stay on my budget, which is hard when you have so much going out. I know I am not the only one to have that problem....
I just miss my girlfriend. She lives far away and there are alot of times I wish i could just walk over to her place and get a hug and a kiss......
Being me is ok, I don;t know what it would be like someone else, so I accept me, just having one of those days i guess.
I am lucky and blessed to have what I do. So on a possitive note I can smile. A few more days and I get to see my love. I can't wait to see her again.

I feel like i am babbling but what is this blog for. I need to write more often.....

A challenging day

It has Been A while, Here I am again finding my way

2010-07-19T06:41:00.000-07:00

Here I am with my kids at 1 in the afternoon and them still sleeping. It has been a while since I wrote here. A few things that still go round and round in my head, 1 why do I continually go up in down in my emotions, can I ever reach a balance in my life. 2. When I do reach that balance what will it be like.
Depression seems to come and go as it pleases, and I seem to have no control over it. I would love to grab hold of it and stuff it in a garbage disposal and watch it go down the drain.
I have tried pills and it don't seem to help. I try to watch it coming on and sometimes I get ahead of it and manage to keep it off. But then it seems to sneak up on me and mess with me for a while. It doesn't stay very long and it is not every day but I have to deal with it.
I dream of being like some people I know that don't seem to deal with depression in their lives and it seems like they got it good. I am not a basket case that is for sure just small bouts of it I have to deal with. It gets old....
Having a good relationship helps me allot, especially when I know I can talk about anything and there is no repercussions.
Over the years I forgot who I was, I let it go, the things I like to do, and It seems like I settled to be who I am today. Now today I am trying to get back what I was and wanting to be.

Why did I share all this, ? I want to get on with life, I want a new beginning maybe, a fresh start to be who I want to be even at 43 turning 44 :-). I am finding out honesty is a good thing, and having the strength to share it and be it is a value I want in my life.

I look around and I know if I have the courage I can make my life into anything I want it to be. I have to find that strength..............I want to hang onto the good things I have now and ad too them.
Or maybe I just need to learn to handle my life with its ups and downs better, there is always a way to do it, always a way through if we look hard enough and try enough.

So this is me on a Sunday early afternoon.
I know I am not the only person in the world who has days like I do, some of you have better and some have worse, so I am not feeling sorry for myself just like everyone else wanting to make my life and those around me better....So here is to making life better for myself and those that touch my life....

Spring

2010-04-01T09:35:00.000-07:00

It is now spring and the weather is showing us what we have been waiting for all winter, warmth and the sun. I like the spring, there are so many things you can associate with spring that pertain to life.
For me spring this year is about new beginnings, health, being able to breath in freshness. I see the potential of what a warm day with sun can do. What a good day with the right ingredients can bring about in one's life. For me that is what I encourage myself with, that right recipe for a successful life in the here and now.
Spring is the perfect time to see those things, more so than New Years where people make resolutions, I think the resolutions should come in the spring when we can draw upon nature for the strength of vision to encourage us. When we can see change all around us then it is easier to bring it about in ourselves. Why not take advantaged of this, I know I am going to do my best to do so.
We dream of so many things, to do things, to accomplish things, and it seems to me that we wait until a certain time to get to them. I have an idea, why not use spring and all its beauty, warmth, newness and take it all in and let it fill you with what you need to see that change is possible. Something new is what we can have because it is all around us. New beginnings, freshness, new growth. Whatever you want to take from what is going on around you in nature. Use it to your advantage.
I know this spring is different for me then others I have been through. Things are changing for the better in my life. I see things different, the possibilities, the hopes that are there for me to grab hold of. I like what I see and it makes me smile. I like smiling and I hope you do to. It is good for the soul.
Enjoy Spring, it was meant to be that way.

Life Adjustments

2010-03-16T05:30:00.000-07:00

You hear allot about the benefits of exercise and I have said them myself to others but it is different when you start to listen to your own advice. I started to eat right and exercise and I will say that getting closer to the weight I want to be is definitely making me feel better. I can handle stress better, it doesn't stick around as long as it use to. My attitude is getting better and depression is but a short moment as compared to the past when it would pop its ugly head up into my life.
Whats is more amazing is that I have someone in my life that is right beside me in being healthy and encourages me to take the time to do the right things. that is such a big help.
So for me I am continuing on to my ultimate goal of 170 pounds. Only 17 more to go which may sound allot but from where I started 2 years ago at 234 pounds it is more than achievable for me. Now at 187 I feel great and can't wait for summer to be hear, spring is but a few days away.

So thanks to my girlfriend I am on my way to seeing myself the way I want to to see myself.
This is definitely a key to finding what life has to offer.

Exercise the Journey

2010-02-03T06:24:00.000-08:00

I have started back on loosing weight after coming from 185 pounds and gaining back to 205 pounds. This time it is not motivated by extreme stress from a failed marriage but a need to control my weight so that I can sleep better, look better and control my anxiety and depression. I have found out that you can produce Seratonin naturally by aerobic exercise instead of being on medication. So I started back on this quest of mine to get to 175 pounds. A new goal that I think is possible even though I have not weighed this since I went into the Air Force back in 1984.
I have an advantage this time, I have Xiomara my girlfriend to encourage me to stick it out. She is a great help especially when I would rather not than go at times. Right now I am encouraged because I have made it past my 190 pound mark to just under 188. This makes me feel good because I can see the difference and feel it too. My clothes are getting big on me and I can now start wearing clothes that I couldn't before.
I am saying all this because I do go up and down with my emotions and anxiety. I want to keep track of this journey I have started to see the struggles and rewards of a healthier living. I can say having someone in your life that sees that taking care of yourself and putting time into it is a good thing is a big help. I look forward to spring when I can get outdoors to hike and bike.
I have noticed that my attitude has changed since loosing weight and I can imagine how I will feel when I pass the 180 pound mark I have set. I am endeavoring to maintain a new life style that will last, this is my record.
I have noticed that when anxiety gets to me and I do go to the gym it is the greatest remedy, you burn it off and feel much better and are able to handle the cause of the anxiety with a clearer head.
So today I am off again to the gym looking forward to it, one hour for a healthier life.
James

Learning

2010-01-04T11:57:00.000-08:00

Not everyone is perfect, that should be no surprise to anyone. Well when I look at myself I can see that. What I see is that I can be more negative than positive. OK, something to work on. I get scared when I see something that may take some effort to bring about the change so therefore avoidance wants to kick in. OK another Item that needs working on and that one also with the previous I am working on.
This other thing I haven't quite figured out yet, it is inticipation in a relationship. this one has me baffled. Does it have to do with mind reading or something LOL. I know to anticipate the needs of the other or expectation, I stumble on this most times, maybe it is because I am thinking of myself to much and stay stuck there, or I am not being considerate enough, I don't know which or any. But I will not stop trying to figure this one out.
I have spent too many years afraid to let out what is inside that I think I have created a safe haven for my thoughts and I don't let them out even when they are given a safe place to come out in. A tough shell to crack. Does that mean I won't try to crack it, NO. I have chisel and hammer and ready to go I even have swung at a few times already. this scares the shit out of me because I am not use to be around someone who really wants to hear and see what I am really all about.
Fear is a crippling thing but everyday that goes by I find more strength to combat this fear and to stand up for me and what I feel and want. I choose now to look forward with a positive attitude for a better tomorrow.
I am finished living in the past with the fears and the excuses, I have reasons now and Ideas about tomorrow. I know I can, I know I will succeed so therefore ahead I go.

I want to open up and be the person I know I am. I will not stop trying to go there.........

Starting a new year

2009-12-08T11:10:00.001-08:00

The year is almost over. A new one is now upon us and it causes me to stop and think of what has gone on in my life to this day getting ready to enter a new year. There has been some things that have happened in my life this past year that have been life changing, interesting and surprising.
I have come to the conclusion this year that what I had in the past as being married is now turned into a friendship. The marriage relationship part of that is gone, knowing this has set me free to look ahead, this is a good feeling, not that the relationship ended but that I know it won't begin again. That may sound strange but when something breaks and there is no fixing it then you have to accept it so that you can move on. I have arrived there in my own eyes I am sure. Others still may see some things in me that are lingering that indicate some feelings but all I can say is I am growing as a person.....
Surprising this year was that I met someone that at first you would say we are from opposite ends of things, but when we are together the light in me shines out. I didn't think I would have that in my life. She is great, we are still learning about each other but there is definitely love there. And with that I am smiling and looking forward to discover what lays ahead for the next year. To me she is worth it.
The interesting part of this year is how when you start to go through changes and people who have been there say you will go through some things a certain way and you deny it. Guess what, one should listen and look back at oneself and realize it does happen to you too. I have been there and now say to others watch it you will have to deal with certain things and don't think you won't have to it is part of the changes that go on. I guess it is the healing process we need.
Oh the challenges life throws at you and the ones you put on yourself will always be there. I am lucky to have a woman in my life that is patient enough and loves me enough to help me see certain parts of my character that needs improving. I use to hate being told those things but today I welcome them. I see it as a way to improve who I am. I am still growing as a man even though today I am 43. Growth I believe should always be part of ones life.
I am glad for today with what I have and don't have. With the problems and with the successes.
When I choose right I feel right, so I guess I need to think before choosing each day so that I can feel right.........

So the new year is knocking on my front door, I want to choose it right and plan on doing so, tomorrow is not here yet but preparing for it that I can do, who knows what new smiles I will have with the one I love.

Looking ahead.......................

Time Passes

2009-08-21T10:33:00.000-07:00

As time passes things change. We change, the environment around us changes, the circumstances we find ourselves in change, and people change. One of the biggest things that changes is our perspective, the way we see things or look at them. When time passes and we can look back with a kind of disconnection to the event or circumstance we tend to see a bigger picture then when we were in the middle of the moment.
We start to see reason for the actions on how we handled it, not necessarily the others involved, that would be too much to ask. We start to accept maybe and work through the feelings and emotions of that time. Our mind is more clear to process those feelings and emotions that may have strongly affected who we were at the time. We can do things and behave in a way we didn't think we would other wise. So I think that it is important to look back to try to gain an understanding of what happened and how we handled it then and see how we may understand how we are handling it now from a distance away.
I think you will see a change of some sort. If not then you have become entrapped by it somehow and it may be a good idea to try to release yourself from it. Because if you are still living in that moment long ago you will in my opinion never get past it and move on.
Moving on is important in our personal growth as individuals. We at times find things in our lives that hold us back from the change we seek, or moving past an event in our lives. When we do realize it then we stand a good chance to make things better for ourselves.

What we want we get

2009-07-27T08:56:00.000-07:00

I talked about Core values or beliefs before, here I want to try to continue on with the same thoughts.

The things we set our sights on in life reflect who we are in some fashion. You see what we are focused on can reveal our nature and desires. We will lean in the direction of our focus. If we stay focused long enough in one direction the other things in our life will start to bend in that direction.

Let's say a relationship is the focus, look at what your desire is, and then look at the other things in your life that has altered in the slightest of ways because of that relationship. Now those changes in other things may not have been deliberate but changes have happened.

We tend to focus on what we want consciously or sub-consciously. The desires are there, we all have them. We may act upon them or not, but when we do with any type of energy other things shift in our lives to make way for what is going to happen. We will get what we want when we focus on the desire we have.

Those desires we focus on for any length of time will become a crucial part of our daily lives. It will permeate the very fabric of what is called you as a whole. We will make things happen to achieve that desire sometimes to our detriment. When we look at ourselves with these desires it may be very hard to see the changes that have taken place because of the focus we have.

These changes are seen by others but not always by us. We feel that something has changed but not necessarily how big of one may have happened. This reveals what is going on in our lives and what we are like, what is hiding in the insides of our being.

I think that as we examine these aspects of who we are we get an understanding which I believe will help us achieve a balance in our lives. Our core being is the center from which all else flows, the emotions, actions, thoughts, desires.....etc. Understanding for me is a part of who I am, I have a desire to understand where I am, where I might have come from and it will point to where I am going. Not necessarily control over the destination but the process of how I get to where my desires are directing me is somewhat in my control. If I choose to recognize the process of changes that is happening to me I will be much better equipped to handle those changes.

So I continue to look inward and outward. I look inward for understanding myself and I look outward to how I relate to those around me, especially to those I love. How I am in my interactions with them. I see as time goes by that what I use to be and what I am now is much different. I refuse to become what others want or think I should be. I want to become me, and I do that by accepting who I am and what I am about. I will never achieve the balance in life that I seek by compromising who I am. So I stand for me, who I am and I hope that the person I am becoming is something that someone can love for being me.

Just another thought put to text.

Core of Who We Are

2009-07-22T13:17:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about what makes me me, or should I say what makes us who we are. What lies at the core of our being that guides us to be and do the things that make up what others see and experience through us.

Our behavior, actions, words, attitudes, mannerisms, the way we hold ourselves, the people we hang around or surround ourselves with, the jobs we have, the people we date, the way we dress, the things we have in our possession, the way we talk (our language or quality of), etc...

All those things and more reveal different aspects of who we are. So what is it that influences the choices we make? The actions we take in different circumstances, the behaviors we expose to those around us all come from somewhere.

I think one of the things we need to try to understand is what is at the core of who we are? How can I explain this. I think I will try from a Faith stand point. Let me try this.

Religion at its heart is a handful of rules that you need to abide by in order to satisfy the said denomination or church if you will, to be a said member or associate. You follow their beliefs and you fit in. You are in essence a member of the said group. Your behaviors will line up with that. I know I simplified it big time. Please don't take offence.

Faith on the other hand has at its core a trinity of values that bypasses rules or obligations. It is at its core the following: Forgiveness, Grace, Mercy. You have this at the core of your belief system then all else falls into place. There is no obligation, no rule you have to follow, no title or membership you have to belong to. It is a core belief, a inner guide to what you do in life, not because you have to but because you WANT TO.

That is what is called faith. A faith in a God that offers those very things to those that love Him. OK, I may have ruffled some feathers, please hear me out. Faith or belief that is born out of love will behave differently then something that is forced or pressed upon you to do. Your actions and behaviors will be seen differently, noticed and received by others with an acceptance or lack of by the reasons we do things.

I have simplified it to a basic level, and it is this that is what I am trying to achieve. If we can simplify ourselves in how we look at it then we have a better chance to understand ourselves, who we are and why we do the things we do. In this we can understand others better not only our self.

You see that what we do we do for a reason whether known or unknown. A saying is this "We believe therefore we Do". What is a relationship that has no love in it? One that will die or end eventually. But one that has love in it will last because the difference is a want and desire than an obligation. At the core of who we are is a want and a desire to be who we are. We may not like what we see at times but never the less it is there.

I want to know to a degree why I am the way I am. I know some out there just don't really care to know those things. But what I am after in life is an understanding to the human nature, my human nature in why I choose the way I do, why I act the way I do in order to make myself a better person. In this I will achieve my hearts desire, not for someone else but for me. I feel that it is a life quest. So here I write to act as a guide to my inner thoughts to expose in print what is stirring on the inside.

I believe there is a greatness in all of us, a greatness that can be exposed if we choose to search for it, a purpose that is greater than what we know, one that will make others better around us. This is what I search for.

I know I bring up pieces of faith in my writings because it is a core part of who I am. I am not against or look down to anyone of different beliefs than me. A person chooses their own way for their own reasons. It is these reasons that I seek to understand. What makes us different but the same.

This is a thought I will continue to write in the next installment..........
A work in progress.
James

Arrival

2009-07-17T14:30:00.000-07:00

Have you you ever been on the precipice of a decision. You look at it and it seems like it is an impossibility. That once you make it you are committed to the changes it brings about. I am talking about relationships in this instance.
Here I am looking out over my life and am faced with the decision to commit myself to a relationship in a way that says you have my heart. I know guys in general don't talk that way it is not macho. Well the hell with the macho image. I don't care about that. What I care about is where is my heart.
Like what was shared by someone on this blog that I need to cherish the past good memories and hang on to them because they are part of who I am. Those good memories and good times I cherish and will never let go. I am a better man for them. And while saying that I must include the bad memories, though they literally gave me grey hair and a heartache I will say I have grown into a better man for them. Do I say I am thankful for those experiences, I would of rather not of gone through that part of my life. But since I have then I must try to make good from them. This is what I have chosen in my life. I have no hatred or hard feelings from that time. Not now.
My heart has been touched by someone special. When you get touched like that it is hard to explain how it affects you. I can say that I am a lucky man because this is the second time in my life this has happened. Most people don't even get once.
So with that all said what have I decided to do? You want to know don't you? :-)
Well, I will say it would be foolish of me to let her get away and I am no fool. Good things and good people come into one's life a few times and when they do they change you. So hanging on to the good in life no matter what package it comes in is important. Life is hard enough as it is. I have good people in my life, my family they are wonderful and make me smile. Life to this point has been a blessing if you look at the right way and still is. Yes life has changed for me quite a bit actually but I am not running away and complaining that I have a few bruises from the experience. There are other people out there who have gone through bigger scrapes then me and have a story and a smile to share.
I am ready for the new chapter to begin in my life. I know it has its challenges but life without challenges is dull to say the least isn't it? Change for me like I said is not easy but here we go right into a world of change one step at a time...........
Do I know how things will work out for me, no. But not knowing what tomorrows holds is the mystery that makes us wonder and dream and aspire to bigger and better things. We get creative when faced with the challenges of life. We step up and try to make things happen, to get around, over, through the obstacles of life. When we do we see what the possibilities are. No one can say if a relationship will stand the test of time, not knowing shouldn't stop us from trying. Not trying is the greater evil if you will. How can one win a race if he never enters the race an runs it. We are better people when at least we try and fail then to never have tried in the first place. That is where lies the never knowing.............not giving it a chance.

This is how I feel.
So the beginning has begun.......

Wondering

2009-07-14T06:49:00.000-07:00

I sit here wondering about what to do next. Have you ever been there, faced with choices and not sure how to take the next step. You want to but not sure when and how. Trying to figure out how your life will change once you do. I know it all sounds so ambiguious at best with no details of what I am talking about. Well, let's keep it that way for now. I just want to talk about the situation not the content.

You feel it in your chest that you want to make a decision but afraid to admit it to yourself that it would be good to do so. For me the decision would mean I accept the past as it is and welcome the future as it may be. WOW that sounded like it came from a sermon in church....weird.
But anyway, the feelings it all brings on is all over the spectrum of emotions. Change for me is hard, I have done a lot better since I have put my mind to it but it comes at a price. That price is letting go letting what happens happen (In the church world it would go like this "Let go and Let God"). In other words leave in God's hands to work out the future and let go of the past because it can't help you anymore.

We don't know what tomorrow holds, we want certain things to be there but it is not a guarantee for us. What we do have is now, and what we do with now will eventually lead into tomorrow. So without knowing how tomorrow will unfold I like to try to hang on to today. That doesn't always work, because today's stuff might not work tomorrow so therefore change is needed to face tomorrow. Yuk....that word, at least it is not a four letter word. lol

We all struggle with the balance of life, with people and situations, feelings and emotions that tie us to our surroundings. Once in a while you get a balance that is balanced and sweet, you want to stay there but you know it won't last so the best you can hope for is make the best of it and hope for another time like that one. For me I want that balance, that sweet spot in life where the balance of the hard and the good come together and make a nice place to be.

And you wonder that if you make that choice you are facing will it get you closer to that place of sweetness, you wonder........The pursuit of happiness is worth the ups and downs life throws at you. I won't stop trying to get there. One more step, one more choice, one more smile, one more day, always moving forward looking, learning, feeling...............................................

Today

2009-07-09T05:45:00.001-07:00

Today, what do you think about when you say the word "Today"? Does your list of todo's go through your mind? Does the challenges or the joy of what is planned for Today cross your thoughts? Do you dread facing it, what lies ahead? All kinds of scenarios can be talked about, it is for me the idea of where are we at when we face Today. I mean how are we inside when we get up in the morning and take our first look at the day called "Today".

The condition of our mental, spiritual, and emotional well being will determine how those first few moments will be when we look into the new day. Have we planned for this? Have we taken the time to prepare ourselves in some way to deal with it "Today" and what all is held in that short few hours that lay ahead of us?

If you are like me going into another day I take very little thought until I open my eyes and look at what is there. Except for when I have something special planned then I think about it all the time and can't wait until the time arrives. But generally preparing myself for the new day before it gets here doesn't take much thought.

So I have been thinking that if I do something different about how I approach the new "Today" maybe I can make it better regardless what it may hold. You know we have many facets about ourselves that affect how we handle things in our lives. If we look at the different parts of who we are and try to somehow make them more positive then our approach to "Today" may be more positive in nature.

What those parts of ourselves are may vary to the individual based on how we see ourselves. What our needs are, what makes us who we are, what we think makes us tick sort of speak.
What feeds us, our desires, wants, needs that we look for. What does make us want to look forward to tomorrow? Those things is what we need to look at and see what affects or alters the way we do or want those things in our lives.

Our preparation or lack thereof does affect how we handle what lies ahead for us. How much value we place on the new "Today" will depend on if we care or think about it. If the new "Today" has something special in store for us we tend to pay attention to the time that leads up to it. We do things different, we pay more attention to the details that lead up to to that moment. What if we incorporate a small portion of that thinking to how we approach every day. What benefit would be gain in doing so?

Would we make the day better, worse or no change at all? I think better, but how do we change our mindset toward that which we face? I don't think it is easy to apply changes that stick into everyday routines we have. We do it when it is important to us, but when that importance's fades so do the changes. We loose the reason to hold to the changes and we slowly fade back to the way we were because it is what we do. There is no effort to maintain who we are and what we do everyday.

What takes effort is to change a little piece of us and keep in focus long enough so that it becomes second nature to us. I heard it said that if you can incorporate a change for 21 days then it becomes habit or routine in our lives. I think maybe it takes longer than that if you are stubborn like I am but the idea is there. Do it long enough so that you can see the benefit and know that it is worth keeping and you will.

What those changes are is purely up to you, one thing I do know is that unless you examine where you are and where you want to go you will never get there. Whether it is for yourselves or someone else you have to decide. No one else can decide for you. Because if someone else decides for you the change will not last no matter what.

This is a thought and one that I want to develop more.
James

New Beginnngs

2009-06-30T04:27:00.000-07:00

I have talked about the past and about tomorrow and now I want to talk about a new beginning. I think we all like to have a fresh start in life. A place that we can look at the past and present and evaluate what has taken place in our lives and look at the possible future. That future being something we want to make that meets our desires of a better tomorrow.
Is it realistic to think that we can have that type of future, a future that doesn't have the problems of old but a making of something better? I believe we can have that. If for no other reason than because we want it to be.
You see, I believe that if you want something strong enough you will make it happen. It will be in your mind and heart all the time and eventually it will seep out into your life. Your actions will start to line up with your desires. Life will start to happen in the fashion you want it to. Not overnight but it will happen.
Nothing happens magically but it takes work. An effort that is measured by the desire you have.
Do we dare to believe that we deserve a good and happy future? I do. I want to because I feel I deserve it. We all do.
Now I have no idea where you are at in life, but I don't believe it is impossible to dream. Dreams do come true. Sometimes for just a moment in time. But when they do, we remember that moment. It sticks with us throughout our day. It makes us smile, puts a spring in our step. I want that.
There is no mountain that we cannot climb. Example: I heard on NPR (National Public Radio) that a man who was injured in the war ( recently) lost the use of his legs wanted to prove that even with the disability he could still do the things he dreamed of. He went rock climbing up a mountain with the help of two other experienced climbers up a fairly high mountain. A two day journey up. This amounted to the equivalent of 4000 chin ups in two days since he didn't have the use of his legs. And he did it.
I know I used a real mountain as an example but for this person he had a huge obstacle in his way, his legs to achieve his dream. I am sure it was a daunting task to get to the goal.
I said this so that we can think that there is a way to our dreams. It might take others to help you get there but there is a way.
Will you dear to dream, will you dare to try to see that dream come to pass? Are you willing to try and not give up?
What is the dream, the desire, the happiness you want? Lay it out, ponder it, break it down to smaller pieces that are manageable so that you can start to work on it. Then get started.
A new beginning is around the corner for all of us. Are we willing to look for it?
I see a new beginning, the possibilities, and I will work toward that which I can see. It does make you smile when you start to see something come to pass.
Just a thought of mine to share.
James

Tomorrow

2009-06-24T06:42:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow seems to be something that can paralyze you or cause anxiety, stress, joy or happiness. It depends on what you are facing, how you look at things in general and as a whole. How do you look at tomorrow?
Some of the things we need to see is that tomorrow turns into today and yesterday eventually. Yesterday we were looking at today as our tomorrow and what we were anxious or happy about is now here, was our worries or concerns valid? Did what we thought about come to pass or was it blown out of proportion or are we disappointed?
Everybody has a way to see things that are not here yet. What causes our way of looking at things to be that certain way? How did we become the way we are when it relates to how we deal with the unknown of tomorrow? Our confidence or lack there of, fear, or strength, what do we have and if we don't like it how do we change it?
These things I think about, because I don't like how I look at things when it comes to my tomorrows. Not always anyway. I want to change how I deal with it. I know people can change if they want to, and I know I have changed over time because I wanted to. So when I look at tomorrow and the unknown what do I see? How am I going to prepare myself to handle what will be today when I look out into the future? Am I going to be ready to handle what I think is coming?
I think something that affects how I see tomorrow is what has happened in my yesterdays. Think about it, how did you and I handle those days of the past? What influenced our actions then and how does it affect how we are looking at our tomorrows? Do we like what we are looking at? If not then how are we going to change it so that we feel better about tomorrow?
Are we going to stay where we are at or are we going to change and not let yesterday influence our tomorrow when it comes to being happy and having joy. Enjoying the strength of having a control over the unknown in our lives is a goal I have. I know we cannot necessarily change what will happen tomorrow but we can change how we react and handle tomorrow.
For instance, meeting new people, new job, moving, starting over after a divorce or break up of a long relationship, all these things and others is what we face. What do we do when facing those things?
That is the question I want to stir you to think about, just facing tomorrow is not enough, we need to examine why we feel the way we do in order to get out of the habit we developed over time and break it into something better.
I am all for better, being happy and looking forward to tomorrow rather than being anxious about tomorrow.
I choose to change and try to make things better especially when I have a choice. What will you do?
Feedback would be nice if you read this.

Accepting the Past

2009-06-16T07:25:00.000-07:00

Have you ever looked back at your life and had some regrets that you struggle with even today?
It affects you to some degree unless you don't do those things like look at your life and wonder how you got to where you are. But for me, I look back and wonder about those mistakes and hard times and wonder if I can do better, not repeat my actions, learn form them to make myself a better person.
I wonder at times if it is even possible to change for the better or am I fooling myself into thinking I can change. How does it go, a paraphrase from the bible "Act on what you hear(or see)! Those who hear (see) and don't act are like those who glance in the mirror, walk away, and two minutes later have no idea who they are, what they look like. " I know I used the bible, but I think it is appropriate for what I am thinking. When I look at my life what do I see? I am not just looking at today but at the yesterdays of my life. What do I see from back then that makes me happy and makes me sad, not only me but those who were and are in my life. I don't want to walk away after looking at my life and not change from the experience. I know I have made people sad, people I love, I also made them happy. I want to change the bad things and keep the good things.
How do I know when I have changed the bad things for a better behavior? How do we know, or are we just thinking that we have made changes and in reality the underlying behavior is still there masking itself with good intentions. What a dilemma it is.
So I think what we can do is look good at ourselves and pick somethings out that we are not happy with, examine them, ask the hard questions, accept the truth about it and do something different to change the behavior, thoughts and actions associated with those things. Maybe you or I need help from someone to make those changes. I know the truth can be a devistating thing to deal with but without truth what changes do you think you can make. We need to be honest with ourselves if we plan on being happy and succeeding in life. We may never make up for our past but I think we can make a better past as each day passes if we really want to.
I struggle with my past and what I see, I am determined for myself first and others second to not be the person I was but a different better person I want to be. Whether I get it right or not I cannot answer but I can say it won't be for lack of trying.
I am a better person today for what I have seen from my yesterdays, I am not perfect by far but I am accepting my past and being responsible for it. It is the least I can do........
That is my responibility to those I love and going to love in my life in the days ahead.

The One Standing

The Darker Side to Life

2009-06-12T07:48:00.000-07:00

I know this is not a subject to talk about but haven't we all been there, where is that, the Dark side of our characters. That hidden self that you don't let people see, the thoughts, emotions, and actions you try to keep hidden from the public.
OK, taboo to talk about that side of ourselves maybe, but why not go there. Here we go......
What do you do with those thoughts you get when you just want to let go and let it all out regardless of the consequences...Do you just go for it and the hell with everyone else or do you hold in check and wait till the feelings go away? Wouldn't it be fun to be that other person for once and just let your feelings and desires take full control and become just for a night that person? Is that person really suppose to come out and play? Is that part of who we are and we just haven't figured out how to merge the two to a good balance that we can live with?
No I am not one who has a split personality or anything like that so don't jump to conclusions, if you do then that is your problem right.
What I am saying is there is a part to our lives that we hold in check with the best of our wills to keep there. It slips out when we are tired or been drinking just a little too much and our guard comes down and that part shows up and either we are amazed or embarrassed by what transpires. What if that part we hold in check is somehow suppose to be part of who we are but we are too uncomfortable or afraid to let it be part of our day to day lives?
Somehow it is part of us because there it is, the undisciplined, naughty, angry, wild side that we just don't understand and somehow may admire from a distance when we see those things in others.
What do we do with it? What is the purpose of having that inside and never willing to let it out in a way that makes us better, more interesting of a person than what we show others?
See we all show the people around us what we want them to see and know about ourselves, it is the ones that get really close that get to see the almost true self you are. You notice I said almost the true self because we all hold back a portion that no one will ever know about. We all keep a bit, the raw, untamed, the personal wars we have with ourselves that we never share with anyone except within our own personal thoughts where no one will ever hear or see.
It is that part that I think about, it is part of me, who I am, what do I do with it? What can I or we do with it? Not go there at all, or go there fully? I think both are a wrong solution, extremes are never good. So my thoughts are to find a way not to ignore it but to understand it so that we can become a more fully rounded person instead of a one sided individual that becomes a type of black and white, known and predictable in their ways with no interesting sides to them.
We have the ability to adapt to our environment, our situations in a way that makes us very unique. The one thing that would stifle that is fear, fear of change, fear of the unknown, fear of lack of understanding of ourselves. This will put us at a place of frozeness. The only way we can move into new territory is to try to step where we have not gone before, that place I would like to say is within. Find the answers to what lays ahead by looking inside to see what you need to do to handle the different environment you find yourselves in. You may be surprised to see some answers you wouldn't have seen if you didn't try and act upon the one thing you have kept buried. A change has to come to get different results than what you have. Doing the same thing all the time and expecting a different outcome is considered insanity. So what do you have to loose, try something different with a bit of control on your side........

Searching for the answers......

Time of Change

2009-06-11T08:34:00.000-07:00

What do you do when things change around you and you are not in control of these changes. Punt!!!! Ok maybe not use football as the answer but it felt good saying it. You want it to be different but realize that like me you can't change the people around you, all you can do is accept what they have chosen and move on. I think this is the hardest thing to do because it makes you feel hopeless and without power to make a difference.
The difference I realize is how you handle the change and your outlook. A positive attitude is more than half the battle in winning at this game called life. Not many people like change, or like to accept it especially if it is not something you asked for.
Some changes come by others choosing for you and then there are those that you choose. It is the ones that others choose for you that are the hardest to accept and process. Once you get around the emotions of the change if you try to look at like how can I make lemonade out of these lemons (as the saying goes) you will have a good chance to make it better for yourself.
It is changes of the magnitude of starting over that I am dealing with. I have made alot of mistakes in this process that I am going through. I have hurt some people which I am sorry about and wish not to repeat doing. Even with the knowledge of what not to do you still ask the questions of what to do. No one seems to have the answer that seems to work for you. Something that will magically make everything alright. So what is the answer>>>>>?????
Do you have one? Hiding is not an answer, or drinking your life away, but friends do make things a bit better in the area of handling the changes that are going on.
So in the lessons of life, like I heard it said that "those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it" goes the same for you and I, that unless we examine the past of our lives we are doom to repeat what we just went through.
Remember something, you are not always the best to see yourself, that is what friends and acquaintances are for. So don't think you know yourself fully, test it against what others might say and weigh it out against what you see...........

Think on these things

2009-05-26T08:11:00.000-07:00

Some things I wrote down to think about when my day gets hard.

· Love my children always, and be there for them.
· Take care of my physical, mental health by exercising and thinking on the good things in life
· Accept what life has given you and concentrate on today, making today the best you can.
· Learn from the past, don’t wallow in it but grow from it. Learn the lessons and improve my life from it. Mistakes made in the past don’t have to be repeated, it is my choice.
· Be who I am, not someone else. I have a good heart; I am a smart and attractive man.
· Choices others make are their choices, I cannot change them, accept what others choose in life, and I will be stronger for it, allowing them to be who they are.
· The past is full of good memories, hang on to those, and let them warm your heart to what today holds.
· Learn to talk my feelings out constructively and not hold it in. Sharing is the best way to not repeat the past but to make a better future.

Got What I needed

2009-05-16T05:41:00.000-07:00

You ever wonder why you feel down a lot, not able to cope with the day to day stuff. Why we can't seem to get that feeling like I am successful and complete and tomorrow will be alright? You just seem to be feeling one notch below where you think you should be, and if you were then life would be a smile instead of lacking one.
I have been there and these past few weeks it has been tough, not having a day off and working long hours, not getting the sleep I should. Things get edgy in a sort of way, no matter what it is. You start to wonder is this all worth it, you know, the things you are doing day in and day out. I am not talking about taking my life just to stop whatever feelings I may be having. I am not that way. I believe there is always a way through and that giving up is not the answer (I just wanted to make that clear).
Then all of a sudden someone gives you a compliment or does something nice for you just at the right moment in your life when you need it most. You feel the goose bumps and your heart seems to beat stronger and life seems to flow through your veins once again. What a feeling. It seems to change everything.
But what has changed? You didn't do anything different, have you? No, someone else did something and all of a sudden your feelings make life a smile. Circumstances haven't necessarily changed one bit but it doesn't matter does it? Just an act of kindness to you and WOW you feel good all over.
I would like to hang on to that moment and live there and I could tackle the world when I am in that place. But you know as well as I do that it is just a moment in time, it will pass and you will forget that feeling and how everything looked to you. Why does it pass, the circumstances we face don't change but how we see them do because of what someone else did for else and we can succeed at that very moment then when it passes we doubt if we will get through it.
I wish I could bottle it and save it for those times I need a little dose just to make my day better, I would be rich wouldn't I......
So what do we do? Just a thought, look at what happens when someone says a kind word to you at that time when you need it most and how it helps you through your day. Then think on how it would feel to them if you did the same thing, remember that you have no idea what they are dealing with at that time because they (that is the one who gave you a kind word when you needed it didn't know what you were dealing with did they) may be going through something that is really dragging them down. They get a does of life from you and what did it cost you? Did you get drained by saying a kind word or doing a kind deed? No, you actually feel a little better I would say.
So If I feel better and my day looks brighter by someone else doing something good for me and I can do that for someone else then maybe I should pay more attention to those around me and I just might find out that my day to day stuff will look better by me giving a little something to others.
I know this is not a complete thought but I just needed to say a little. I hope you can have a better day because I want one, those are nice to have.
Later.

Curious

2009-05-12T02:56:00.001-07:00

I am here early at work and wondering what tomorrow will hold. I have made alot of mistakes in life up to this point, each one not necissarily recognized but the ones that are at least has had some impact on how I think. What do you do with these new observances? I hope that they stay in my focus so that I can respond to them in some positive fashion.
I just want to make things better for me and those around me. Desire is a wonderful thing but not necessarily the smoothest in the application asspect. There are alot of bumps in the road along the way, bumps that you never saw coming.......some you wish you never hit in lifes path.....
Until later

Trying to see as others see you

2009-05-08T06:43:00.000-07:00

Maybe the image I have of myself is flawed. I think we all have flawed views of who we are. The only way we can try to see ourselves is how we interact with others and see their responses to us. When someone says you are a certain way then do you believe them or do you try to see if there is any validation to what they say. I guess feelings do play a part in how we see ourselves and others, don't it. Especially if we are trying to explain a certain behaviour in ourselves or someone else.
Why do we struggle at times to find answers about ourselves or others and never seem to get a complete satisfactory answer that we can live with.....? There is always that little lingering doubt that if something was just a little different it would be alright or acceptable enough for us to move on.
So what do we do with ourselves in these times, do we lash out in anger or bitterness or do we just try to make sense as best as we can and move on with what we have? I guess everyone is different, depending on how obsessive we are about things, wanting the right answer to make ourselves feel better and the other to look worse......you tell me.
Just thoughts I am writing down to clear my head. Sometimes writing gets me to see things a little clearer. Yes I have issues with myself and with others around me but I try to make the most of it.......some nights are hard but what person doesn't have hard times to work through for whatever reason it may be.......Tomorrow always shows up and us with it.
Looking Ahead.....

People see what they want to see

2009-05-06T04:58:00.001-07:00

Life is tough, you have your ways about you and those around you have their ways. You can look at the same thing and think about it two different ways. It all depends on your perspective which I think has everything to do with where you came from. What I mean by that is that what you have experienced in life up to that point will determine how you process what you are exposed to at that moment.
This is where I can say it is red and someone else will say it is pink. We both are looking at the same thing but because of what I have to draw upon to determine the way I think about something is different for the other person.
Hence we come to different conclusions about things. We feel differently about things, we want different things, we act differently. Are we both wrong, I don't think so. We just have to realize that there has to be room for people to be themselves.
Some are suspicious about everything, they have lack of trust, some are very trusting, others controlling, then others very submissive. Where does those behaviors come from. I say look at what they have experienced in life and you will get a glimpse of why, maybe not the whole answer but a start.
I am saying all this because life is confusing and hard at times and we tend to forget that not everyone sees things the way we do. Hence the disagreement or argument or tension between two individuals will come about if we don't step back and look at it in a broader picture. It is hard to not take a stand on something and defend it when you start to think how maybe the other person may be looking at it.
I just wanted to write this because I forget sometimes that what I see is not necessarily what others see about me. they will believe what they want because of what they think they see, judging things on the surface without having the whole picture or all the information to come to the right conclusions about something.
I am guilty of this myself and it has caused me a lot of heartache in the past, so I vow to try to step back and look at the broader picture in the future.

Time to get back what was lost

2009-03-16T07:12:00.000-07:00

Here I am again, gone for over a year, actually I forgot that I had this blog. Life has been crazy since the last post. Have I found myself in that time, I don't dare answer the question. What I have found is what I am able to get through in life.
I would of never believed that I would beable to go from being married to single and adjust to that life. Have I adjusted to it, not totally sure. I have my moments, but can say that I am having more good days than bad now after 14 months.
So I just wanted to say that I am still here and will try to post my thouhgts as best as I can. Life is definitly a challenge that is worth facing. How you and I face it varies but as long as we try I guess we come out the better for it....

James

The great question "Who Am I?"

2008-02-28T09:44:00.000-08:00

Today in all the hussel and bustle of life we don't really take time to think about who we are. Let me me rephrase that, Who am I and what am I about. I am not talking about what are you good at, or what others think your good at. I am talking about what is on the inside, what makes you you. What triggers a smile on your face, what make you happy and feel good on the inside.

When you are sitting still with nothing to do, what feelings do you have, what thoughts are racing through your mind? Calm yourself down and listen, really listen to what your heart is saying. Are you sensing joy, happiness, sadness, emptyness..... what is there.

Then when you see something test it to see what it is all about. What triggers it for you to experience it, what takes it away or causes it to show up in your life. Can you live with it in your life or not. Ask, don't be afraid to dig. When you do then you will start to uncover the meaning behind one facet of your life that makes you you......

Until the next post, I hope this gets you thinking. Let me know what you think.

The Man Standing